Confused Forever

Things I’m worried about-

We’re not allowed to disagree with each other because it doesn’t end civilly. How can we change that?

We kind of touched on this. When I was doing everything it felt like I loved and cared for you more than you do for me. 1) what are your thoughts on that dynamic 2) are you willing to put in the work with me to change that?

Hello gorgeous & happy valentines day! Valentine’s Day is a day to celebrate love of all types: the unconditional love your parents have for you, the love your family shares, the love you share with your friends, the love you share with strangers, and most importantly the love you have for yourself. So here is a little goodie bag of some of my favorite self care items.

It’s a 10 is leave in conditioner. You do not have to use it every day. I use mine when my hair feels too dry or gets too tangly.

Last time you asked about foot and hand masks. These are going to be a little big on you, but they will be fun and make your hands and feet super soft! (One suggestion is not to use them right before you play soccer or anything you might want the extra protection on your feet that calluses provide.)

The blue silicone piece is a make up brush cleaning kit. One side is for you to brush the make up out using soap and water and the other side can allow you to rest them to dry.

The disposable eye shadow brushes are for if you want to do eyeshadow on others. Make sure you don’t share your brushes as that can be how things like pink eye are spread & make sure not to double dip brushes that were used on others.

There are 2 make up removing things- make up removing towelettes and removing rounds. The rounds are reusable and do not have anything on them, so you can use whatever soap and water you want. The towelettes work well as well. Just make sure you always remember to take your make up off before bed.

I’m frustrated after the conversation last night. I feel like he belittled me and I just couldn’t recover after that. “You don’t cook, you don’t clean, what do you do.” - him last night. That’s really just not appropriate to me.

I am moving my stuff to your home for 2 weeks. I’m not allowed to watch TV to go to sleep. You weren’t willing to compromise on that. I have to cook every other day and do the dishes. Apparently I eat out too much. I felt like at every turn all he did was criticize me. He thinks the middle ground is splitting the physical work 50/50, but it’s not. I’ll do some stuff, but to expect me to do everything for myself. I might as well just stay at home then. Then I can use paper plates and not have to cook and do the dishes every night.

I’m just really frustrated because splitting 50/50 is not the middle, especially when he refuses to make any changes himself. I’m just supposed to change everything about me for him for 2 weeks. I’m not going to do it. I’d rather just not go and stay at home. This is not who I thought my partner was. I didn’t think I’d be belittled and mocked and made to feel less than. I thought this would be exciting and that we’d be on the same page.

I’m at the point where it feels like this really won’t work and I just want to give up. I’m being asked to trade in a lot to do this and he just doesn’t get it. It’s just frustrating as hell. It felt like he wasn’t willing to give up anything but wanted me to give up all of my comfort. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to argue. I don’t want to deal with all of this shit.

It’s just anxiety and I’m just triggered. It’s okay, he wants to talk to me. He’s been saying all day how he misses me and wants to be with me. He wants time to sort this out by himself. It’s okay. It’s okay. He loves me. He wants to be with me. He’s excited for our visit. He wants me to come to the wedding with him.

I’m not a fan of the 4th

I’ve been healing the relationship with my family. I’m going to visit home. I am doing the work to try new things and graduate school is getting in the way of my healing. I hate that.

The real shock is did he ever really believe in me? Did he actually want to be a friend or was this just to date me? Like what the hell! Did he think about how damaging this could be to me? If I like or want something I will make the move. I will act like it. I never once did because I didn’t think we could ever work. What could I have done for him to think that would be a great idea to see if we could ever be a thing?! HES MY FUCKING MENTOR. Well at this point he was.

perfectedimperfectionn:

I tried to scroll past this. I really did

(via donewthesad)

Such a good weekend…

Hearing the words: “I can’t help you” from my Ph.D. advisor about a project they gave me when I’m finishing my first year- scares me.

Incompetence reigns supreme…

If 4 years ago everything had gone to plan I would’ve graduated this past weekend. I would have graduated from the same place my mother did, but I threw a wrench in that plan. I’m instead finishing my first year of grad school aiming for a Ph.D. by the end of these 5 years. I’m proud of myself, but also it’s bittersweet. I haven’t been able to stabilize myself enough to pick the right place the first time. This time I can’t transfer in the middle of it all and just continue elsewhere. It doesn’t work like that.

I was on your side until you were no longer on mine…

I get another 9+ months with my mentor, but I don’t think I can do this by myself. Right now he’s carrying the weight of the project and I’m not sure that in 9 months I will be prepared to do that. I plan to finish out this semester of hell and then learn as much as I can. Will that be enough? I guess we will find out.

Idk if some people in this program will make it through. It’s a bit frustrating watching them not try to succeed, and blame it on other things.